You've heard of bridezilla, but what if your wedding has a famzilla—or two or three? You know the type: he or she is related to you, hence the name. Famzilla could be anybody; your divorced parents who can't stop the mudslinging; your mother, who has commandeered the guest list and left your future in-laws fuming; your grandmother, who refuses to attend the wedding if your stepfather is invited; drunk Uncle Charlie.

It’s enough to make you want to elope.

Before you and your honey sneak off to Vegas, consider this: While family conflict is never pleasant, handled correctly, it can lead to improved relationships long after the honeymoon is over. The key is to anticipate and prepare.

“Just as the rehearsal dinner is a prelude to the wedding day, the way a couple manages—or fails to manage—conflict before and during the wedding can be a precursor to the way they manage the inevitable future conflict within the marriage and family,” says Andrea Orr, a licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Roseville and Sacramento.

There are several reasons weddings often seem to channel the Hatfields and the McCoys.

Potential Pitfalls
First, “There are a lot of people involved, many with strong views about what should or shouldn’t happen,” says Roseville-based marriage and family therapist Steve McCready. “And people are often less worried about appearances when interacting with their families. They tend to let it all hang out.

“Secondly, a wedding is, ideally anyway, a one-time event. It’s not like a vacation where you can always figure on making the next one better. As a result, people have high, often unrealistic expectations.”

Add to that the high divorce rate and the fact that people are waiting longer to get married, resulting in split, blended and other family circumstances that may harbor unresolved conflict. Mix in alcohol and you’ve got instant fireworks.

In many families, the feuding starts as soon as the engagement ring is slipped on. Control over the wedding plans—especially if the bride’s or groom’s parents are picking up all or part of the tab—is a common bone of contention.

Lora Ward, owner of A Day to Remember Bridal Consulting and Wedding Coordination, says, “Weddings cost an awful lot these days. [The weddings I plan] with 150 guests and all the usual bells and whistles cost around $35,000. So money is a huge breeding ground for problems.”

Expert Advice
Ward says, “As a consultant, I have to find out what my clients’ priorities are. In the extreme case of a mother trying to design her daughter’s wedding, I try to get a balance of the two. I urge brides to think about their battles. Don’t look back on a decision that was made; once it’s done, it’s done. You’ve got to concentrate on what the [wedding] day is about. You can’t keep worrying that your mom wanted ecru paper for the invitations and you wanted white.”

Above all, experts advise, be straightforward in communication and be willing to compromise.

Says McCready, “Unwritten contracts often exist around the issue of payment for the wedding, which can lead to significant conflict, especially in families that have poor or indirect communication. One of the most important things a couple can do when planning their wedding is to discuss the issue and make it very explicit. It’s important that everyone involved understands and agrees to the ‘deal,’ whatever it is.”

Couples battling their parents over plans might find that neutralizing language goes a long way toward smoothing ruffled feathers.

“A really valuable and not-enough-used word is ‘different,’” says midtown licensed marriage and family therapist Victoria Seeley. “There’s a qualitative difference between hearing, ‘I’m going to do it my way’ and ‘I have a different idea.’ The first is adversarial—you versus me. ‘Different’ is not adversarial.”

Couples also should strive to think beyond either/or, Seeley adds, relating a story about a bride she knew whose parents wanted her to get married in a church—but her fiancé was divorced and forbidden to marry in the family’s church. The bride, feeling torn between polarized positions, eventually found a church that would agree to marry the couple and all parties were satisfied.

“Our tendency is to think in black and white,” Seeley says, “not realizing that between these extremes, we have a lot of choices. We have more options than we think.”

Proper Planning
Another source of family stress is potentially disappointing relatives with the role they’ve been chosen to play at the wedding. Hurt feelings can lead to lashing out, pitting one side of the family against another.

Karen Brown of Happily Ever After Bridal Consulting in Sacramento says that when her sister was planning her wedding, other family members expressed desire to be bridal attendants. The sister had already chosen her bridesmaids, but found a way to include everyone while sticking firmly to her own plan.

“They just wanted to be part of the ceremony, so we got them corsages and made them hostesses,” Brown says. “Some seated guests at the chapel, some at the reception, and it worked out.”

Perhaps the biggest nightmare for couples is relatives who don’t get along with each other. “I won’t come to the wedding if that snake is invited,” would be words of doom to many a bride’s and groom’s ear.

Happily, this seems to be a rare occurrence, at least in the experience of the professionals interviewed.

Ward, the wedding consultant, says, “I just think people work it out for the sake of their children on their wedding day. They know that this is not a day to be making a scene.”

Confronting Conflict
In the case of a relative refusing to attend the wedding, you and your future spouse should by no means get involved in the conflict, experts say.

“I think the healthiest response to that would be, ‘That’s up to you,’” Seeley says. “You can say, ‘You know I love you both and I care about all of you. You’re important to me, and this person is important to me in a different way. I value our relationship, and I would love for you to be there, but I can’t make you be there. That’s up to you.’”

But what if you’re facing the opposite situation—a relative wants to attend the wedding, but you’d rather exclude him or her?

“Many people will take the indirect approach and simply not invite them,” McCready says. “The problem with that is that it doesn’t directly identify the problem. Nobody likes being told they aren’t going to be invited to something, but if the couple is willing to be direct and gentle about it, doors can be opened to resolving old issues.”

Seeley talks about a bride who wrestled over whether to invite her father, with whom she’d experienced a great deal of hurt and tension over the years.

“She decided not to invite him after a great deal of soul-searching,” she says. “It wasn’t an easy decision, and it wasn’t an impulsive decision. It was a very thoughtful decision, and very painful for her. I don’t know if anybody can say that what they decided was absolutely right, but what you can say is that it was the decision you needed to make at the time.”

Rather than risk alienating a problem relative, you may decide to grit your teeth and invite that person anyway, hoping they’ll be on their best behavior. But what if they end up making a scene? Is there anything you can do to prevent that?
Most definitely.

“If you’re already dreading it, you’re anticipating it. And if you can anticipate it, you can set up some parameters,” Seeley says.

For relatives who don’t get along, a carefully planned seating arrangement can save the day. In the case of divorced parents who can’t hold their tongues, Ward suggests using a grandparent or other “neutral” relative as a buffer between the two in the same row at the ceremony.

The same care should be taken at the reception.

“For reception seating, divorced parents don’t have to sit at the same table of eight or 10,” Ward says. “If they’re friendly, certainly they can, but there are enough other relatives and friends to make up other groupings.”

As for drunk Uncle Charlie—or any other relative prone to becoming obnoxious—enlist the help of a trusted friend or relative. The designated person can stay close and keep an eye out for trouble, then escort the offending party out the door if necessary.

While no one considers these sorts of scenarios part of a dream wedding, it can be beneficial to look for opportunities amid the conflict. Who knows, famzilla might start looking more like a pussycat.

“Planning a wedding is a great opportunity for a couple to work on their partnership and start developing a system for tackling challenges together,” McCready says. “It also provides a chance to see the tradeoffs inherent in most situations. It gives you an opportunity to work on clarifying your own values and priorities while also gaining an understanding of the values and priorities of your spouse. Watching your spouse’s family interact with one another also may help you to understand your spouse better.”
 
Pull quote:
“A really valuable and not-enough-used word is ‘different,’” says midtown licensed marriage and family therapist Victoria Seeley. “There’s a qualitative difference between hearing, ‘I’m going to do it my way’ and ‘I have a different idea.’”