My husband and I catered weddings for about 15 years, and we started from scratch every time. As a result, our clients’ menus were all over the place, from standard to exotic; elegant to outdoor casual.

Breaking tradition is the wedding tradition today. We’ve planned weddings with the bride, the couple and even a foodie groom. But one thing is still the norm: Unless your wedding is potluck, your wedding reception will be catered.

Anyone new to marriage might also be new to the world of catering. Getting great food to show up with almost no effort on your part requires communication on the level of confessional. By following the catering process, you should end the wedding day without a hitch.

The first step in the process isn’t the price. The first meeting with the caterer should establish your wishes. The caterer will take your dreams back to the office, pencil out the costs for food, labor, transportation, paperwork, plates, silverware and even state permits to serve alcoholic beverages. The price and menu evolve together.

The Fun Part First—Food

If you have a special request, make it as soon as you contact the caterer, even if it’s by phone. Here’s one memorable request from my files: “No stinking bell peppers, easy on the mammals.” OK, we got that.

You may have your own loves and hates—loves good wine, hates eggplant. Or you may have ever-firmer rules: no meat; no shellfish; no garlic or onions. We encountered brides who wouldn’t think of ending the most important day of their lives without ice cream. A groom wanted ribs, and got them. Whatever it is, speak up. Make sure your caterer has a place in your file to note such requests, allergies and special needs.

How Much Food?

Professional observation has led me to conclude that wedding guests are bottomless pits. They’ve already sat through a ceremony. Afterward, they may have driven to a second site for the reception. They want the champagne chilled, the bartender in a pouring mood, and appetizers ready for quick pick-up with fingers.

The standard menu divides into categories: appetizers, main course, optional cheese course and wedding cake or dessert. What happens within those categories determines the level of excitement for your party.

In truth, typical wedding guests could eat appetizers all afternoon and night—even more than the main course. For 100 guests, figure serving about six to eight kinds of appetizers, with two to three pieces per person. The best service method is butler-passed or already set out on a buffet. Remember, your guests are hungry.

Meat, fish, vegetable and cheese form the backbone of all savory appetizers. They should be bite-sized. They shouldn’t break apart when they’re picked up. And they should, preferably, not require a fork or knife.

We’ve had the most success with appetizers that aren’t piping hot—those burn fingers and mouths—and with appetizers that aren’t ice cold. In fact, most flavors are at their peak if food is just warm or at room temperature. I’ve always loved making and serving my Carmichael-grown grape leaves stuffed with rice and currants with cinnamon, saffron and allspice; chicken wings (split, so there’s one bone per piece) with a sauce the client chooses from pesto to ponzu; egg rolls cut in half diagonally; bruschetta with sautéed onions and tomato piled neatly on top. A big hit was my home-cured gravlax thinly cut and served on plain crackers with a sprig of dill and sour cream.

No matter how far we’ve come in diminishing the protein in the center of the plate, most menus are anchored by meat, poultry or fish. When invitations go out, think about an R.S.V.P. card with menu check-offs based on what you and your caterer have already decided on. For example, you could list rosemary lamb, vegetable terrine or broiled halibut.

Every now and then, a bride decides it’s just not possible to please everyone. At one sit-down, it was salmon all around, but with a choice of sauce—gazpacho-style tomato sauce or dill beurre blanc. End of story.

Meatless Options = Stressless Event

By anticipating vegans and vegetarians, you can spare yourself hassles before, during (yes, during) and after your party. Build plenty of choice into the appetizers—vegetable puree dips, little vegetable tartlets, tabouli in endive “scoops,” toasted baguette slices with olive paste. Beyond appetizers, meatless options are easily achieved in hearty salads, fruit offerings, breads, substantial rice or potato dishes and grilled vegetable skewers.

Traditional, or Anything Goes?

No matter how traditional you are, you’ll always want something to elevate the mundane. Brown rice, quinoa or “spaghetti” made out of raw zucchini ribbons add a twist without being weird by today’s standards. If all you want is chicken, ask the caterer to suggest a special sauce in a dipping ramekin on the side.

The salad course is a great place to experiment. One bride couldn’t decide between Caesar salad and green papaya salad, so she opted for both. Her guests complimented her originality.

In the anything-goes department, we had huge success at a wedding at a bed-and-breakfast inn outside Sonoma. The buffet for this outdoor crowd was lemon-garlic salmon, vegetarian pad thai, stir-fried vegetables and orange-cinnamon basmati rice.  

Buffet or Sit-Down?

The buffet or sit-down dinner choice is where you’ll first encounter major cost decisions. Servers cost about $12 an hour, minimum. Estimate one server for every 20 guests. For 100 guests, that’s $300 at the very least, plus tip. Kitchen staff is also factored in to the final price.

Buffets require servers and kitchen staffing, too. But, they allow guests to choose what they want. We loved to stage buffets because big platters provide spectacular opportunities for grand presentations.

Cheese, Please

Cheese platters served European style—after the meal, but before dessert—are increasingly popular. I liked to select California cheeses and label them on a cheese board, especially so out-of-town guests could learn about local artisanal food we often take for granted. My favorite wedding cheeses are Point Reyes blue, Laura Chenel goat cheese and Vella dry jack on plain crackers or bread, such as lavosh.

Dessert—Traditional or Whimsical?

The caterer can arrange for a proper traditional cake or indulge some of your personal cravings. If a proper, custom-made wedding cake was requested, I delegated those orders to professional bakers with wedding-cake expertise. Professional bakeries should promise cake delivery to the site shortly before the reception.

For the growing number of nontraditional couples, dessert requests have ranged from the silly-but-meaningful to childhood favorites. A couple that had spared no money on expensive champagne indulged their mutual love of M&M’s. Trick-or-treat-size M&M bags were placed in baskets and handed out by flower girls and the 4-year-old ring-bearer.

The bride who impressed me most didn’t have a clue about the food for the menu. Her mother had taken charge of that. But when it came to dessert bravery, Key lime pie was her all-time favorite dessert, and there was no question it would make a command performance at her wedding. On her late spring wedding day, Sacramento hit 101 degrees. Whole pies were set in a freezer for 10 minutes before slicing. The pieces made it to the buffet in cleanly cut wedges, but were eaten so fast no one noticed they’d begun to melt. This bride pleased not only herself, but apparently 175 key lime pie-loving guests.

Hidden Costs   

If your caterer doesn’t already own enough wine glasses, plates, napkins and tablecloths, these items must be rented. Be prepared to factor in 75 cents to $1 per plate, 25 cents per fork, an estimated 40 cents per coffee cup and about 50 cents per cloth napkin.

After the guest list is decided, you’ll get a “final count date.” After that, you’ll be able to add guests, but you will be prohibited from subtracting guests for a refund.

No-shows who have R.S.V.P.’d are charged as if they’d come. Don’t even ask your tired, hot caterer at the end of the party about refunding for no-shows. The good news is that often people who did not R.S.V.P. show up, so it balances out.

The caterer will require a deposit to cement the business end of catering. It’s usually 30 to 50 percent of the food costs required upfront. The person responsible for the balance should have payment ready at the end of the event, including tax and gratuity.

The bottom line on catering weddings was always this for me: happiness on both sides of the aisle—or kitchen.