My late father-in-law once told me (before he was late, of course) that where he grew up in Illinois, "We always said, 'It ain't a meal without a potato.'"
Now, regional pride being what it is, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that where I grew up, we said pretty much the same thing — although in New York, we tended to embroider even the simplest of statements: "It ain't a meal without no damn potater, Sheldon, and I ain't kiddin', yew lousy moron, ya heah what I'm sayin'? Look at me, Sheldon!"
Yes, it's been a starchy journey from prepubescence to middle-age panic, but through it all, I've always kept these thoughts in mind:
1. Potatoes are low in calories.
2. Fried-in-oil potatoes, baked potatoes with sour cream and butter, and mashed potatoes with milk and butter, are not.
3. For potatoes to be low in calories, they must remain unadorned and therefore taste like tennis balls (boiled) or adobe (raw).
4. To summarize, none of the following recipes is low in calories — but all can have their calories reduced by making clever substitutions, like low-fat mayo for regular, vegetable spray for olive oil, diet margarine for butter, and wood putty for potatoes.
Potatoes O'Goldman: Serves four
Ingredients
1/2 cup olive oil
seasoned salt
garlic powder
4 good-sized potatoes, sliced crosswise, thicker than chips but thinner than coasters
1/2 medium-sized onion, sliced into rings
chili powder
pepper
dash of paprika
1. In a skillet, heat the olive oil and season it with the salt and garlic powder.
2. Season both sides of the potato and onion slices with the salt, garlic powder , chili powder, pepper and paprika.
3. When the oil starts to bubble, carefully slide the potatoes only into the oil.
4. After the potatoes start getting crispy, turn them over, place the onions on top and around them in the skillet.
5. You may need to turn the potatoes a second time. (Make sure you're using a spatter pan!) If you do, you'll face what I hope will be your life's most important moral crisis: whether or not to fry the onions some more or just remove them to a paper towel and have them wait out the potatoes. The decision is yours, my friend. Courage.
6. When the potatoes are done, slide them onto a paper-toweled plate to drain some of the excess grease. Serve with individual cups of ketchup and sour cream or plain yogurt. Then treat all your guests to a free cholesterol screening down at the mall.
Steak, French or Shoestring Fries: Serves four
These are all seasoned identically; the differences are in how you cut them and how long each version requires to fry up crisp. This recipe assumes you're using a skillet, which I still use most of the time. There are, however, mini-deep-fat fryers on the market that work quite well and allow you to store the same oil for two or three further uses. If you really get into cooking, it's always nice to reward yourself with the occasional gourmet-store toy — though you can buy most of the same stuff, or very similar stuff, at discount department stores. Your choice is whether you want to be insulted by a fastidious snob ("Oh, you're buying thaaaat; how wonderfully you to do so") or a salt-of-the-earth type ("Me 'n' Don tried this thing, Honey, but even yew oughta be able a' hannel it.").
Ingredients
6 good-sized potatoes: slice them lengthwise into thick wedges (about 5 per potato) for steak fries, into thinner strips (about 10 per potato) for French fries, and as thin as possible for shoestrings (if you get tired of doing this with a knife, you can always use your Insert Popular Electric Slicing/Dicing Machine Here to do the job).
1/2 cup olive oil
seasoned salt
pepper
garlic powder (optional)
chili powder (optional)
1. In a skillet, heat the olive oil and season it with the salt and garlic powder.
2. Season both sides of the potato slices with the salt, pepper, and, if you're going for that really spicy, gee-it's-like-happy-hour-but-how-can-that-be-since-I'm-in-my-own-home? taste, garlic powder and chili powder.
3. When the oil starts to bubble, carefully slide the potatoes into the oil.
4. Keep turning the potatoes over once they start getting crispy. (Use a spatter pan and by all means, wear an outfit you've never really cared for.)
5. When they're just the way you like them — assuming culinary perfection is even attainable in a kitchen where the wallpaper, left over from the previous tenants, features cartoon vegetables doing the Bossanova — slide the fries onto a paper-toweled plate, dry them a little, and serve. Everyone will want ketchup, of course, but if you make the fries really spicy and crisp, try serving some ranch-style dressing and garlic mayonnaise as well.
A Glossary of Useful, Common and Completely Obvious Cooking Terms with which You Can Dazzle Your Enemies and Irritate Your Friends
This Week: Sauté to Swiss Chard
Sauté – Same definition as “fry” but it somehow sounds more healthful.
Sesame Oil - An excellent retort to Earl when he says, "Oh yeah, Moochie? Says-a-who?!" Shellfish - How we characterize those individuals who won't share their scampi. Soy Sauce - How Señor Sauce introduces himself at fiestas.
Swiss Chard, Swiss Meringue, and Swiss Steak - Politically neutral beets, egg whites and beef.
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