Each week, I provide two recipes at this site. I call this week’s “Pork, Lamb And Other Things That Aren't Remotely ‘The Other White Meat’ — Part 2.” As you religiously follow these recipes over the next few weeks, I strongly urge you to marinate the meat in the refrigerator for at least a few hours before cooking. This will enhance the flavors and tenderize the meat — which is especially important if you're still shopping at Marty's Discount Meat Mart and Floor Coverings Showroom.
BARBECUED OR BROILED PORK CHATEAUBRIAND IN HONEY-MUSTARD SAUCE: Serves four big people, at least one of whom is embarrassed to admit he thought "chateaubriand" was what you call a Swiss hunting cabin or the little sash that encircles a Frenchman's fedora.
You may have to buy this particular cut of pork from a butcher, but its taste and texture make it well worth the extra trouble and thousands of dollars. (No, I'm kidding; it really isn't any extra trouble.) Just as you'd cook beef chateaubriand as a hunk (unless you've let your athletic club membership lapse), rather than as separate steaks, pork chateaubriand is best prepared whole, then sliced right before or while serving.
Ingredients
2 lbs. pork chateaubriand
4 tbs. French mustard for marinating, then another tbs. for cooking
4 tbs. honey for marinating, then another tbs. for cooking (Note: You may wish to make a double batch of this mixture: one for marinating and cooking, and one for serving with the finished meal)
1/2 cup olive oil
pepper
garlic powder
chili powder
paprika
1. Gently pierce, then marinate the pork in the mustard, honey and olive oil by putting it in a sealed container, shaking it and refrigerating it.
2. Some hours later, light the charcoal, heat the broiler and take out the pork.
3. Add the pepper, garlic powder, chili powder and paprika (go easy on each) to the pork and pour the seasoned oil in which it's been marinating over it again.
4. Add half the extra tablespoon each of mustard and honey to the top of the pork as you place it on the barbecue grill or in the broiler pan. Spread it with a brush or spoon.
5. Allow at least 7 minutes of cooking time per side, and when you turn the pork over, add the remainder of the mustard and honey mixture.
6. To check for doneness, carefully slice into the middle of the chateaubriand. When it looks somewhat like the inside of a properly cooked chicken — yes, like white meat — it's adequately cooked. If you feel you want to let it cook a little longer, keep your eyes on it: Once you've sliced into it, it doesn't take much to dry it out.
Side Dishes: This is great with Potatoes O'Goldman and roasted potatoes as well as corn on the cob or steamed artichokes (please see the chapter "Soups, Salads, Potatoes, Vegetables and Cool Snacks"); a salad goes well, but keep the dressing on the sweet side (French, Russian, Thousand Island).
Cool Presentation Award: Slice the chateaubriand crosswise rather than lengthwise, and thin; arrange it on a platter in a sunburst, with a second bowl of marinade in the center.
SWEET-AND-SOUR/I'M-SO-BURNED-OUT/SAYS-A-ME PORK: Serves four adults too exhausted to call a Chinese place—that delivers.
I mean, how tired can you get? Do we now want these places to come and spoon feed us, too? In recent years, the wearying of America has become a favorite news magazine cover story topic (I started reading one of the articles but fell asleep). The general idea seems to be that we're working hard but not smart, and either playing too hard or not playing nearly enough, or something—articles of this sort usually leave a lot of leeway, just in case the writers have exploited a trend that's already passed or, except in a senior editor's mind, never existed.
Well, I agree. We work too damn hard reading news magazine stories. And that's another reason I love to cook: In a stress-strewn, hurry-up-and-wait world, I like having an activity I can look forward to on a daily basis—one that, if I skip one night, won't make me feel guilty and which offers immediate rewards for paying attention, taking some care and getting a little creative.
You know your priorities have morphed a bit when you realize this is precisely the way you used to think of sex.
So don't send out for sweet-and-sour pork, o sagging sisters and bushed brethren: Climb out of that coma and come into the kitchen!
Ingredients
2 eggs or 1/4 cup of milk
4 boneless pork chops, about 1/2 lb. each
1 cup all-purpose flour
crushed unseasoned bread or dry-cereal crumbs
sesame seeds
salt (seasoned or regular)
2 tbs. soy sauce
1 tsp. white or rice vinegar
pepper
garlic powder
parsley (fresh or dried)
1/2 cup (or less) of olive oil
Follow the same instructions for Says-a-Me Chicken, which is almost identical to Southern (Bronx) Fried Chicken, with these exceptions:
1. Add two heaping tablespoons of sesame seeds, two vigorous shakes of parsley, two tablespoons of soy sauce and one teaspoon of white or rice vinegar into the bag of bread crumbs, salt, pepper and garlic powder.
2. Before frying, slice the pork chops into bite-size nuggets.
3. Serve with sweet-and-sour sauce: pineapple juice, ketchup, soy sauce, vinegar and pepper, mixed to your tastes. Also serve: a. Hot powdered mustard: mix two teaspoons of powder with at least three teaspoons of cold water, and let stand for a few minutes. b. Soy sauce, unadorned or with a little ketchup and white horseradish. c. French mustard and honey, equal measures of each.
Side dishes: The same as Says-A-Me Chicken.
Cool Presentation Award: The same as Says-A-Me Chicken. But make sure everyone at the table's still awake when you hand out the individual sauce servings.
A Glossary of Useful, Common and Completely Obvious Cooking Terms With which You Can Dazzle Your Enemies and Irritate Your Friends
This Week: Liver (and a Bonus Recipe. How will you spend all the money you’re saving?)
Liver—The primary ingredient of the world's wurst paté. OK, OK, I should have resisted. Just to make things right, here's a bonus recipe for my Amaze Your Friends And Frustrate Your Jewish Mother With How Easy It Is To Make Chopped Liver: Hardboil an egg in one saucepan. In another, boil some water with a chicken bouillon cube, minced onions and parsley flakes thrown in; then toss in the liver and simmer it until it's reasonably tender. After removing its shell, chop up the hardboiled egg and mix it in with the liver, onions and parsley flakes, and a teaspoonful or two of the broth. Add salt, pepper and a drop or two of port or Cognac, then puree it all in a blender or more pretentious food processor. Chill in a covered bowl for about an hour, serve it on plain cracker—and remember you agreed to forgive me for "the world's wurst paté" gag.
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